i am sitting in the shop i am working at
in a green strapless maxi dress and brown high heel wedges
with make up on and my hair curly
writing a journal on deviantart
just thinking

there is a street parade going on outside in the street - people are still setting up
will spend up to about 10.00 in here
walk around the parade later

i bought a new top on tuesday - when i went shoping
stil need black high heel stilettoes(don't know how to spell that)
need a friend to talk to but left my mobile at home(in the place i am staying up here in kingaroy)

have wanted to call someone (not telling who)
but have stopped myself every time i looked up their number - i should distance my self from them
but is hard when i am always thinking of them lately
and i don't know why things would just end badly if anything happend and that is a big IF

still feeling lonely atm
don't know why
have been enjoying myself up here

kinda wishing my mum would just back off
everytime she says i love you
it is hard for me to say it back to her and i don't know why
when i say it or even text it - i feel like i am lying
maaybe i just don't love her anymore
did i ever love her?
i just don't know
i feel neglected from her
and it is finally sinking in
everytime she has hurt me i just forgive her like that
maybe its because i wanted the relationship everone else has with thier mothers - to feel normal

other mothers and daughters have a really great relationship (well most)
and i have a mother who sceams behind my back
a mother who doesn't want to see me and then when maintenance goes up for her - she demands to see me and sign off when i have been there - just so at the end of the day she can go to child support and say "look i have them more often now i shouldn't nbe paying as much for them now"
well guess wht mum that money goes towards my fucking welfare. but she doesn't give a shit
as long as she doesn't have to spend a dime on us she is happy

i want the relationship where i can't stand to be away from her for a day, i want her to provide for me and be real about herself and not promise me things she can't do and lie to my facew and do things behing=d my back that are about me and concern me, i want to be treated as though i am the most precious thing in her life - i am her daughter
i should be treated like that

but no - when i had no clothes that fit me - she wouldn't go out and buy me clothes she bought a car we didn't need or a computer desk we didn't need or someothing else we didn't need and she couldn't spend 20 dollars on me when i needed it
i used to love her
then the love faded
now i think that love is gone
and it is never coming back.

sorry bout the rant
just kinda escpaed from inside
love yas all
bec